soul-jar

what would you do...

2009-10-20T01:35:00.002+08:00

if you fell for someone, but later learn that she's getting married?

最怕此生已经决心自己过没有你，却又突然听到你的消息

2009-05-07T17:04:00.002+08:00

I was 24 when I lost my mother. lost isnt exactly the most appropriate word. its more of like she was taken away from me. to tell the truth, I have yet to come to terms with the fact that she's no longer with me, alive and breathing.

she was always the only one I could speak to in my family. all her scoldings and reprimands and tough love always had a touch of softness with it. she was the only one that ever mattered to me. I had all these great and fabulous dreams of me coming good and bringing her to places she wanted to go, letting her enjoy her later life, taking care of her just as she did for me. and now, all these are just that, dreams. nothing more.

she was a simple housewife for almost all of her married years, sacrificing her lot to take care of us. later on, she even took on a job as a cleaner to help with the household when times went bad. she was only starting to enjoy life in the sense of having friends, doing stuff she wanted to do, when she was taken away. and all this while, I was buried in my work. when I left for work, she's already left the house. when I get back, she's sleeping.

one reads in the news, sees the television on reports on how Singapore's healthcare is world class. bull shit, thats what I say. it is so fucking world class that it couldnt even save my mom. its not like she's got some terminal disease or stuff like that. its just some fucking pneumonia. thats the problem, just some pneumonia, no rush about it. fuck the healthcare system.

end of it all, fuck me. the last few weeks of her life, and her son didnt even have the time for her.

2009-03-05T06:36:00.002+08:00

this has been bugging me for sometime, and i just need to get it off my head.

you ever realize how fucked up it is when a friend whom you've been with so long, someone whom you feel you can trust and you feel like you're in a inner circle kind of wavelength, goes ahead and disses you? I know that only true friends will say the harshest truths in your face, but this goes beyond it. Any of my close friends would know that I'd give my all for them, and if I have anything good to share, they'd always be the first to receive. in fact, they'd often get a bigger cut than me most of the time. I'd be the first to admit, I'm not the best judge of characters, or business deals, but I always try to be accountable for all I do. I know I've failed to keep up on my promises on several (costly) accounts, but I've never shirked my responsibility or tried to run away from them.

so just because you think I screwed up the AMK Hub Singtel Hello! shop project 2years back, am I supposed to be judged by that one mistake for the rest of my life? that I'm deemed as a screwball that can't be serious and professional when needed and untrustworthy? so because of that one screw job, you feel that I'm not even worth the chance to call upon, and you'd rather work with some other guy you've known and worked with for a couple of months?

I don't know your end of the story, but have you ever tried to understand my side, my point of view? or even gave me a chance to explain?

I'm not saying that if you intend to start something, you should rope me in just because of the length of our acquaintance. but I thing that I deserve at least some consideration. instead, you come out straight off the bat with a flat rejection.

"you're not serious and professional enough" if you're talking about the Hello! shop project, fine. but then again, during that project, what the fuck was my role? have you ever taken a step back and realized that you were treating me as nothing more than a bloody PA? the people there were all looking to you. I dont know shit about the whole thing. I only helped out because 1) your dept was short-handed, and 2)you were my friend. and yet, I ended up as a fetch dog for you. if you were pissed because of how you were treated by Jorge during the Somerset Singtel shop project, imagine how I felt when you were doing the same exact fucking thing to me. and yet, you even had the nerve to speak to me in a condescending manner, like how knowledgeable, how worldy wise you are. I went into this project out of goodwill and all I got was this.

and because of that 'serious and professional' reason, you say you can't work with me because I'm a troublemaker. you may not have said that, but your words certainly implied it. when we were co-workers, when did i ever create trouble for my immediate superiors? so now you have the chance to be in the position of your own boss, someone like me, who stands up for the welfare and rights of my fellow colleagues, is deemed as a troublemaker? if the boss can't be professional and oftens oversteps the bounderies, I have to meekly accept it and bend over for the faggot and be some spineless worm? i dont recall you being critical or disagreeable of my points whenever I stood against management when we were of the same level, so are the lines redrawn when you were promoted?

and you've worked with me til I resigned for how long? a year plus? and you say you don't know how good my skills were? you can give a fucking better reason than that. I fucking deserve it at the very least. you fucking know I was juggling 3 departments' work when you were there. you fucking know that I was the one pushing and rushing the productions. I was the fucker who sat down with you and worked out the production schedules, cycles and plans, and you can still say that with your eyes open. worse still, you can say you're gonna hire some other guy whom you've worked together for a couple of months because you promised him before you left the company. so what, now I'm not even worth some guy you've worked with a couple of month?

when you were jobless, I offered you the opportunity to come help out. when you were in the lucrative part time section, I taught you the tricks to boost your time sheets. when you were being screwed by Jorge over the Singtel Hello shop project, I could have just sat by and said I'm not in your department and cant help you. but I went down and helped you finish the project. I think I deserve at least some consideration for all that I've done for you.

this might sound illogical and too emotional, but thats because I've always thought of you as a close friend. I may have laughed it off whenever the topic is raised, but inside, the fucking betrayal twists and hurts. at least, I know now where I stand in your eyes.

confessions

2008-12-16T03:47:00.002+08:00

almost four in the morning. cant sleep as usual. for 4 fucking weeks now.

my whole life's been a wreck for the past 2years. ever since mom was taken from me. just, like, lost all sense and meaning, all direction, all drive. dont even know what i want anymore.

dad thinks i hate studying. truth couldnt be further off. i wanted to study. hell, i wanted to read literature, do fine arts, go into typography, try sculpting, i FUCKING WANTED to study. but on my own money. it was either me or my sis. even though my grades were better, my sis put in more effort than me. she deserves dad's funding more than me. so i ended up being the family's black sheep. not that it bothers me, i'm not even on talking terms with them. hell, i'm not even on talking terms with the entire world.

just 'cos my dad bought this terrace, all my 'friends' think im fucking loaded. im like, the resident rich kid in the gang. if i ever was in. its always like, 'you wont understand, u live on a landed property', or 'you dont have to worry about your parents', stuff like that. fucking screw them all. i dont have parents cooking for me. i cook for myself. i pay the utitlity bills. its like living in a hotel, only rent's cheaper. hell, you dont even cook when you're living in a fricking hotel.

fuck everything, i'm gonna lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling til the sun rises, again.

decisions decisions

2008-09-10T00:54:00.002+08:00

damn, 5 more minutes to 1 am.

and i'm farking hungry.

go to bed empty stomached? or go out and buy supper?

damnit, i need more sleep time.....

end call

2008-08-22T22:54:00.005+08:00

im not going to tell you to remember me, or how to remember me. what i am going to tell you is rather how to forget me, and why you should forget me.

i am not anyone important in your life, im just another nameless passerby. i'd doubt that i'd have any impact on your life, even so, it would be minimal or easily brushed off.

everytime i see you, you're nothing more than a past, and most probably just a roadside scenery on the path to the future.

everytime we meet, its not because there's a genuine intention to meet up on your side, but rather its because you require some form of aid from me. so here's to helping you to independance and standing on your own two feet, without the safety net that is me for you to fall back on anymore.

i dont know the future. i dont know what will happen to me, to you. i dont know if either one of our lives will encompass the other. all i'm going to do now, from this point onwards is, i'm going to try and live my life in a world without you.

what happens from here on is a choice i leave up to you.

relatives

2008-08-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

god( or the big guy upstairs, or whoever's in charge, if there's really someone as fanatics would have me believe), how i hate relatives coming over to visit. ok, hate may be too strong a word, but i couldnt find a suitable replacement to bridge the gap between irritating, dislike, to hate. on the scale, it would be something like this:

Irritate ----- Dislike --------||--- Hate

back in days of schooling, it would always drop to the topic of school grades. now into the working life, the in vogue topics usually are girlfriends/marriage and jobs/career. fucking hell, today, it even went onto my own personal finances and savings. i mean, what the fuck? i see no fucking need to disclose my financial state to them, i dont even fucking reveal it to my family! and there they were, talking to me about why my bank accounts always have close to zero, about how to save money, yaddah-yaddah-yaddah-baddabing-kabow-i-cant-hear-what-you're-saying.

of fucking course i know the importance of saving. putting money in the bank? i only leave enough for the fucking bloodsuckers to not close the account. the fucking interest rates are just so pathetic, its more like duh-stupid to leave it there. i rather put my money into my other *ahem* account and make it work.

damn, i cant believe i tolerated the half hour or so preaching.

another day, another year

2008-07-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

one day into my 25th year of existence on this pitiful excuse of a life.

i'll drink to that....

lost, or am i?

2008-07-08T01:49:00.004+08:00

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
Che la diritta via era smarrita.

In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost. (Dante's Inferno)

somehow, that seems applicable to me right now.

i guess i should have known. its hard to shake off old habits, let alone ghosts of the past. even though i've been clean for the past 4-5years (but then again, i've never had any records whatsoever.)

it could be said i had a choice, but lets face it. be a droning zombie, milling through life, slaving away for a regular pittance; or go back and risk almost everything and odds are, get more than what i would have earn in 5years with a regular deadbeat job. its not to say my job's boring, but truth is, the industry never really existed in singapore in the first place.

pay scale was always way below other sectors, government redtapes abound, no true outlets for creativity(you're only operating the software in accordance to the boss'/clients' whims), and the fact that everyone is undercutting everyone else.

when plan A fails, its natural to fall back to plan B. but when plan B doesnt really present a potential return...

kill 'em all

2008-06-04T19:23:00.002+08:00

having a difficult couple of weeks...having being visited by the jolly trio of fever, flu and cough.

actually, been coughing on and off for a couple of years. i dont need to see the doc to know it has got something to do with my smoking. and shit am i getting sick and tired of everyone around me telling me to stop smoking. i know they care, or just pretending to, but heck, its my fucking life, my fucking decision to kill myself, my fucking right to go out the way i want.

imagine a billion mosquitoes buzzing around you everytime you indulge in a personal vice. thats how irrritating it is.

if i had a choice(and access to an armoury), i'd practically kill every person, irregardless of who and what they are. be it friend or foe, even strangers. the world's better off without humans anyway.

every morning, squeezing into the damned human sardine cans, with people amazingly able to read their newspapers in the most minute of spaces available. if firearms were legal here, and i had a license to kill, i'd figure i'd be able to cut the country's population down to 2million by end of this year.

fuck, thats enough for now, gotta go take them antibiotics(not like they'll work anyways)

ode to life

2008-05-18T18:21:00.002+08:00

never trust a man who treats his friends better than his family. funny isnt it? this coming from a guy who does exactly that. but then, i'd say, never trust anyone. life's the number screw driver in the world.

i never set out to be a cynic or a pessimist. one could say i myself had decided my own future with the company i hanged out with, and judging by that, i'd guess that would be about right. my whole life so far has been filled with 90% heartache, broken promises, shit times and lousy backstabbers.

so here's to life....screw you.

2008-04-23T00:41:00.000+08:00

old shows

2008-04-23T00:26:00.003+08:00

been watching old hong kong movies all this time. peppered with the occasional bleach.

all time favourite sammi movie..主题曲

im too arsed to title this

2008-04-18T02:24:00.002+08:00

guess its about time to update. then again, there's nothing much to update. everything's gone downhill faster than the 97 recession. family, career, finance, social life(or lack of). but then, i couldnt care less about this fucked up world.

speaking of family, i guess i've lost it. mom was the only one in the family i ever talked to, now she's taken from me. now, i feel like a non-paying rent tenant, or to put it bluntly, a freeloader. it feels like entering a house with 3 other strangers. i'm like the invisible man, not that i give a damn. truth be told, i never really felt like i belong to the family, even when mom was still with me. i guess i was, still is, and will always be the outsider.

career's a mess, so's finance, so screw these 2.

social life, never had one. unless you count the occassional drop to the watering spots. seems like i get the unwanted (and unwarranted) reputation of being a drinker/alcoholic. like i give a damn.

there, done....til next time....

goodbye

2007-07-23T09:17:00.000+08:00

Sunday 22nd July 2007 2152

she was my friend, my confidant, giver of my life. my beacon of light, the fulcrum of my world. the sole reason i would ever get into a fight.

i love you, mother. goodbye.

sigh

2007-07-11T01:05:00.000+08:00

Everybody Hurts by REM is playing on my music player as the clock strikes 12. and just as the song is about to end, i get a message on the phone. its the first birthday greeting i receive, and its from someone i don't want to think about anymore. damn.

guess this year's no different, just that I'm being confined within my home due to circumstances.

2 faces of the coin

2007-07-10T17:29:00.000+08:00

if i was a happy, optimistic person, my life's theme song would be "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. but I'm not, so too bad then.

its not my fault I'm not that happy person everyone likes. heck, i don't even give a damn about it. I'm perfectly fine the way i am, I'm not going to accept the false truths the ones in power are shoving down the people's throats. I'm not going to sit around and accept conventional norms as answers to my questions. i didn't set out to be a rebel, but i didn't choose to be the meek lamb either.

its like a clash of acute opposites, my life. work-wise, I'm all business. i know what i want, and i set myself about getting it. my targets are clearly defined, and i spare nothing to get to them. my personal life is another totally different equation altogether. its a total mess. chaos would feel right at home in my personal life. i cant, for the sake of my life, figure out what is it i want in my personal life. one minute i can be real fine and dandy being all alone, the next i would suddenly feel a yearning for someone to share my life. every time i felt like that, i find that I'm always one step too late.

i guess right now, i should be used to that feeling of being too late in my personal life.

regrets

2007-07-10T02:12:00.000+08:00

if the days should stop renewing
if everyone should stop right what they're doing
if the world should stop spinning
i know where I'll be probably standing

its not by your side
there's no place for me to hide
its not in your heart
there just isn't any of my part
i stand alone
facing the demons of my heart
i stand alone
alone in the memories of the dark

and i don't
and i wont
feel like everything I've done has gone to waste
i don't want to have any regrets
and i try
to get by
and i don't want to feel that every thing's in vain
'cos i need.... to feel....
and i don't want to have any regrets

if i should fall down on stony ground
if i should shout out but there isn't any sound
if i should be lost and never be found
all i want to do, all i want to say,
all i want is to shout these words out loud......

1 leg kicking

2007-07-06T17:14:00.000+08:00

so what do you do when all you've got is 1 good leg?

just had my operation done on the right knee, turned out it was an ACL tear. now the knee's all bandaged up and feeling itchy and swollen. moving around on crutches aint much fun either. at least, good thing is that this injury would most probably result in a downgrade in combat status(NO MORE TO DISRUPTIVE IPPTs and ICTs!!!) to all those blardy idiots who think serving their NS is an all-encompassing, all-holy mission in life, wait till you start a hectic corporate work life and the army keeps ringing you up.

3weeks of medical leave. which means im gonna rot at home for the whole of july. not that i give a damn.

别问我

2007-05-28T20:23:00.000+08:00

你说我们现在好像陌生人一样。

我也不想结局是这样。别说我无情还是什么。我也是人，我也有感受的。我不想责怪你，但为何你又要每次都好像要把全部错都怪在我身上？你有没有问过自己，我为何会对你那么冷落？我已经可说是要安安静静的退出你和他俩人之间了；你都作了选择，我又何苦聚叙这样下去？你和他都没意思要把真相对我说，你却又要和我像当初一样，你这么做，未免太绝了吧? 我做不了那个傻瓜，我办不到那个你要我演的角色。我的心没那么宽大，包容不了你，接受不了他。

所以，别怪我。

我已经在慢慢学习把你给放开了。。。。

dreams

2007-05-24T19:21:00.000+08:00

what are dreams, but hopes and aspirations to be dashed against the harsh realities of life?

dreams are nothing but tokens of imaginations, false aspirations intended to take a person on an imaginary path through life, only to find out that most of the time, society has no place for such dreams.

3am

2007-05-11T01:16:00.000+08:00

3am smoking outside.....

如果我告诉你

2007-05-10T02:59:00.000+08:00

你开始问我最近还好吗？我就回答还是老样子，没什么改到。然后你听到了我咳嗽，就问了我是不是生病了。我只是老毛病而已，不够睡。你就问我为什么不够睡。

我又不知该不该说。所以结果就避开了你那个问题。

如果，我把真相说出来，你会怎么样？如果我告诉你，我不够睡是因为我不想梦到你，你又会怎么样？

从来不怎么会在睡中做梦的我，现在却在二连三的一直梦到你，是多么难受的。我还想不想去想你，想要把我心中的你给忘记，但却又做不到。起初，只有在睡眠中才能没有想到你。但现在，连睡觉也会梦到你，就好像自己在玩弄自己，折磨自己。我是真的好想把你给忘掉，想骗自己从来没遇见过你，没认识过你，没爱过你。。。但始终办不到。

如果，我把这些都对你说，你会怎样呢？

letting it out

2007-05-03T01:36:00.000+08:00

i feel like suffocating myself here with all the problems and troubles.....all i really need to do now is....

PHWROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

最快乐，最悲哀

2007-04-12T02:58:00.000+08:00

我不知道该怎么说，该怎么写，该从哪里开始。。。

事情发生到这个地步，我也不知道为什么。就这样，无声，无情，就好像两人从来没遇见，没认识过似的。

一个人真的能够恨下心吗？把以前，所发生过的，全都不放在心上，说走就走。一点解释理由也没有，一点安慰也不让。如果有理由解释而分，至少还能够接受。但这样，却让人不知道错在哪里，要忘也忘不了，结果胡思乱想。这样，叫人怎么放得下呢？

爱上了她，可说是最快乐，也是最悲哀的事。既然铸锭没缘，也只能一个人在一旁，安安静静的祝福她，默默的带着悲伤。

戏中演戏

2007-04-11T18:57:00.000+08:00

今天真巧。。。就真的好像在拍连续剧一样。。。

放工回家，看到了她跟另一个朋友。其实，是看到了那个朋友先。他在厕所外面，问了他在等谁，他说在打电话。但在等电梯时，却看到了他们两人一起走。也许是我胡思乱想，但前阵子，他们两人也看得出有那种情切感了。。。

回家路上，脑海里一片乱，心里面一片悲哀。就突然间，下起了一阵雨。还不像戏中悲哀场面吗？想要笑，也只是笑自己吧。。。

rain

2007-04-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

i used to hate the rain. rain spoils everything. it makes everything wet. which in turn, usually means i have to stay indoors. and i cant stand being cooped up in the house. but that was in the past.

现在，每当下了雨，我都有一点伤心，又有一点安慰的感觉。以前讨厌下雨天的我，现在却喜欢上了下雨天。别问我为什么。也许是认识了她过后吧。。。下雨时，当我在雨中，总会有一种舒服感。也许就是因为我哭不出的泪水，全都由雨水来代替了。

分手总要在雨天

screw them faggots

2007-04-02T17:22:00.000+08:00

i had a plan.

2 packs a day, 40 sticks spread out within 24hours.

from the age of 11. according to tv commercials when i was 11, a stick takes away 7minutes of your life. now, 13years later, its stated a stick takes away 12minutes of your life. like, wow. so now, instead of planning for last rites when i'm around 50-60years old, i've got to bring forward my demise to 10years forward. which means, i'm probably left with another 16years of smoking.

now they even have some ghastly looking woman on screen telling me the horrors of smoking, in addition to the ridiculous pictures they placed on cigarette boxes. childish, big brother-ish tactics, i would have to say. time to grow up for some people.

current state of mind

2007-03-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

i am a bitter, cynical, ever pessimistic person who's feeling old beyond his years. i am tired beyond my bones, tired and sick of this facade i'm forced to carry on throughout life. i feel betrayed at every turn. i just want everything to end....

letter: 曾经爱你，永远爱你

2007-03-16T01:10:00.000+08:00

“当你收到了这封信时，我也应该不在国内了。。。所以。。。这也应该是我最后一次和你的联络了吧。。。

我想了很久，也许就像你所说的吧，我们两人应该也是当个普通朋友就好了吧。。。这样下去，彼此也不会受到什么伤害。做个朋友，也就不会有什么期待，没有期待，也就不会失望，也就不会伤到彼此了。

也许将来，我会找到一个比较适合我的对方，也许我会孤单的过着生活。人生的将来总是难以预料。但我知道，即使真的能够遇上新的对方，她也没法代替你在我心中的位置。我相信，我再也不会遇上一个能够带给我一样幸福的人。你我曾经有过的悲喜，那些洒满着阳光，幸福的日子，会永远温暖和刺痛着我的。我知道，我这样一直牵挂着你，对你是不公平的。爱你，就让你自由。

还记得，有一天下着大雨，你我俩人拿着一把小雨伞遮雨送你回家时吗？那时，你一直骂我，说我叫你别淋雨生病，自己却全身落汤鸡。隔天，你却生病，又不肯去看医生，直到我到你家拉着你去看医生。那时，我还答应了你，要一生一世照顾你，保护你。真的对不起，这个承诺，我现在做不到，也许只能等待下辈子来履行了。

在我心中，你永远就是那么的美，那么的难以忘记。在我心中，你永远就是我这一生中最在乎的人。现在的我，只能够祝福你永远快乐。生病时，一定要去看医生，把病看好，别老是那么固执。背后痛时，别总是不理不睬。要好好的照顾自己。

就在这里，我就最后一次，对你说声。。。“我爱你”。。。

letter: reply

2007-03-10T01:52:00.000+08:00

reply from her to him:

"不是你的错。如果要责怪，就只能责怪我。不瞒你说，其实，我一向来都是把我们两人当作好朋友。只是，我的确是真的背你感动过，但我也是无心伤害到你的。对不起，我真的希望你能够找到一个比较适合你的，比我还好的人。

letter

2007-03-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

letter from him to her

“你最近还好吧？好久没看到你了。。。过得还不错吧？听说你最近蛮开心的，满脸笑容。

这些日子来，我都是一直的想念着你。我曾尽力想要把你给忘了，但用尽了法制，到最后还是忘不了你。怎么叫我把我你俩人之间曾经拥有过的给忘记呢？

当我遇上了你之前，我以为自己已经被爱而伤够了。我以为自己能够坚强，不再相信爱情这个东西了。我以为心已碎了，就再也不会被感情迷幻。但认识了你后，我又不知不觉地被爱感染了。曾经是碎裂的心，慢慢的被捕回了。当你在我身边时，是我人生中最快乐的一段日子。但每次和你分离时，我的心每次都碎了一点。最后一次见面时，当你对我说 ‘我们还是做朋友比较好’时，我是多么的伤心，多么的难过。但只能含着眼泪，假装自己不把它当着一回事。表面虽然显得不在乎，但里面的心却又被打碎了。

拾到如今，我始终还是忘不了你。失去了你，我再也找不到能够代替你的人。难道，我们之间就只能够到这个地步吗？难道你真的不能够让我再爱你吗？”

爱情音乐剧《最后的电话》

2007-03-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

制作:雨天工作室
第一段(小鸣、洛洛)
"柔,是我,......好吗?"
"好"
"我试了,但做不到,
我用一年的时间忘却,
用工作来困顿自己,
用香烟来迷幻自己,
用酒精来麻醉自己,
甚至想用死亡来威胁自己,
我用尽办法,可你依然死死地被刻在我心里,
柔,让我再爱你吧"
"秋,我已经有了爱人,你别再做傻事了,放弃吧"
"柔,看见我的袜子了吗"
"就这样,约个时间再说,byebye"
第二段

最后一次见面,场景在咖啡馆

"柔,还记得这个我们初次相见的咖啡馆吗"
"秋,你真的很傻,
我们是曾经彼此相爱,
那是段快乐惬意的日子。
可爱情是这个世界上最坚贞也最不可靠的东西。
时间过了,爱情淡了,相爱的人也就散了。
若是缘尽也硬要牵扯,
原本的美好,就会变成种束缚,
变成个你我都困在其中的牢笼,我会无法呼吸,
你舍得看到我不自由吗?

"我明白了。那你自己保重,
关节疼别总是吃止疼药,让他帮你揉揉,
平时多吃点,你就是太瘦,其他没什么,
就是放心不下你的身体。
他欺负你,记得告诉我。"

"你也一样,也要照顾好自己,
不希望看到曾经爱过的人不好,知道吗?"

"最后,能让我再吻你一下吗"

"恩"(柔的声音也是凄迷而美丽)

"再见"(秋哭着冲了出去)

对白:爱恨消失前
用手温暖你的脸
为了证明我真心爱过你

第三段

(秋已经割腕,
整个人泡在浴缸的温水中,
伤口在温水中感觉不到疼痛,
血不停地流,有气无力的感觉)
"柔,别挂,这是我最后一个电话。"
"他对你好吗"
"为什么这么问"
"我要走了"
"去哪里"
"我不知道,那个地方我也很陌生"
"柔,记得有人说,
通往心脏的血脉是在无名指上,
你知道我多想在今生,倾尽所有,
牢牢地栓住你的无名指呀"
"秋,你是个好人,是个好恋人,更是个好男人,
可怎奈何,造物弄人,
离开你,我真的不知道,
是幸福的开始还是终结,
也许,我太在意自己的感觉了吧。"
"柔,记得那次你高热不退,
我送你去医院吗,
永远忘不了你靠在我的肩头,
眼泪簌簌地流下来伤心地说,
这生都要我陪着你。"
"怎么会忘呢。
还记得我怕自己就这样死掉,
你吻去我的眼泪,
抚摩着我的头发说,
如果我死,你也一样不活,
然后我们讨论怎么死法,
最后,你还傻得说用割腕呢。"
"柔,真的对不起,
有些事我已经做了,但不会后悔,
有些承诺,也只能等待下辈子来履行了。"
"秋,你怎么了,你没事吧"
"今生,天注定,我爱得很苦,
但愿来世,我会是个洒脱的诗人"
"秋,你别吓我,你不会真做傻事吧"
"柔,答应我,下辈子,别改名字,
那样,我找你容易些。"
"你怎么这么傻,你怎么这么傻"
"别哭,我最爱的人"
(柔的哭声渐渐远去)

最后画外音

我发现自己变得很轻,离开了地面,
飘荡在空中,我飞到了她的窗前,她在,
她竟然在冲着我笑,她的笑脸依然灿烂美丽,
我挥手,但是,她全无察觉。
我踏上了奈何桥,手捧那碗孟婆汤,
在就要忘却前世的情愫时,我心里默默地说:
柔,好好地活,在这个时空,我,会为你祝福。

rot

2007-03-04T21:36:00.000+08:00

another lousy weekend, made more so by the rain. while everyone's out, i'm rotting at home. cant even take a bloody walk around the neighbourhood with all the rain pouring down.

如果有一天

2007-02-20T02:12:00.000+08:00

如果有一天
你会再也不想我
我想，我也许会难过
两人之间彼此没犯错
我也能够习惯一个人生活

也许你我俩人就注定不能在一起
也许我所能拥有的只是你我的回忆
但回忆中的你始终是多么的美丽
就连我想忘，都忘不了你
你可知道，我只在乎你

如果有一天
你要离开我
我想，我也许会有几分难过
也许我情绪会有点低落
但我也会习惯这种寂寞

也许你我俩人就注定不能在一起
也许我所能拥有的只是你我的回忆
但回忆中的你始终是多么的美丽
就连我想忘，都忘不了你
你可知道，我只在乎你
你可知道，我爱你。。。

喜欢两个人

2007-02-19T03:17:00.000+08:00

爱是因为你存在

2007-01-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

爱是因为你存在
无论你是在千里之外
如果有一天你会离我而远去
我会流着泪为你祝福
祝福我爱的你永远幸福

爱是因为你存在
即使你我都是彼此分开
如果有一天你会选择离开我
我会含着泪为你祝福
祝福我爱的你永远开心

就算我们两人有缘无分
就算是我爱上了不该爱的人
但我也始终愿意为你而等

不管你将要选择什么
我将永远是你最真的守候
我只为你流泪

ICT sick

2007-01-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

1st In Camp Training. 1st day felt sick. 2nd day came down with some stomach flu virus. damn great way to kick off life in a new unit and make a great impression. (call me shallow)now i cant even claim the 17bucks for the medication and MC.

默默爱你

2007-01-01T01:52:00.000+08:00

也许你心中还是忘不了他
也许我是全世界最大的傻瓜
为何我始终放不下我对你的牵挂
我到底还在为什么而挣扎

也许是我自己太过天真
也许是我自己太过愚蠢
难道我就做不了你心中的爱人
难道你我在一起就是不可能

世上有谁能了解我的痛苦
世上有谁能知道我的孤独
自己孤独的走过这寂寞的伤心路
明明想把你给忘记
但始终又会见到你
我还能往哪里去
就只能默默爱你，爱着你

也许是我自己想的太多
也许是我自己太过懦弱
故事中根本没有个完美的结局
但为何我还坚持要继续下去

世上有谁能知道我的痛苦
世上有谁能了解我的孤独
孤孤单单的走过这寂寞的伤心路
明明想把你给忘记
但始终又会见到你
我还能往哪里去
就只能默默爱你，爱着你

phwroar

2006-12-31T21:10:00.000+08:00

merry xmas, happy new year, blah blah blah....

just shut the fuck up about all these festive greetings and get on with it already. its just another damned day...

tio arrow

2006-12-21T15:33:00.000+08:00

mondays

2006-12-20T16:49:00.000+08:00

quit

2006-12-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

so it comes again. to this point of time in my life.

its been a good 12 years ever since the time i started. it was the only constant in my life all these 12 years. through all the sadness and joys, the trials and tribulations of my life, it was never far from me. even when those bloody despots kept raising the prices, i persisted. but now, it comes to this sad parting. maybe i'll go back on my word after a few days, maybe i wont. all i have to say is, it was good while it lasted.

there, quitting smoking, and clean for 2days.

我真的累了

2006-12-12T01:33:00.000+08:00

我以为是自己变了
以为自己终于发现了
没想到却又是一场白日梦
希望和梦想都飘随如风

我以为是自己变了
以为终于了解一切了
没想到理想根本不属于这世界
所有的梦想都碎裂了

我真的好累了
我真的觉得自己好疲惫
我真的什么都不想去想了
我真的什么都不想去做了
难道平平凡凡的过着生活
也是一个错

我真的好累了
我真的觉得自己好疲惫
任何事对我来说
现在也是无所谓

back to square one

2006-12-05T01:47:00.000+08:00

come a couple of months, it'll be back on the unemployed list for me...

work

2006-12-01T10:03:00.000+08:00

you know your life is screwed up when all you've done and talked about is all about work for 1 whole day. in fact, it just goes to show how fucked up the company is when you can just talk and talk and go on forever about work and suddenly you realize that its almost 5am in the morning.

woot

2006-11-27T15:32:00.000+08:00

monday. no work. on off. 'nuff said.

WOOT

black

2006-11-27T02:18:00.000+08:00

i am a pessimist. i have a very gloomy outlook on life in general. i hate everyone and everything almost everyday. every morning, waking up, i just feel like shit.no matter rain or shine, its always dark for me. getting on the crowded sardine can bus, squeezy sardine can train, every fucking face is just like a target board. how i wish i had a fucking uzi or a sawn off shotgun every morning.

fucking 66.6%plebs......

happier?

2006-11-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

colleagues are telling me i look happier, more positive in the past few weeks. and giving me a good ribbing at it too.

but am i really happier? i dont really know. going by appearances, i may be smiling, joking, laughing around with friends or colleagues, but inside, i'm just really sick of everything thats going on these days. everyday, i find myself dragging myself to work. the excitement, the drive, the motivation is no longer there. i find myself putting on a mask once i step out of home. even upon reaching office, its like there's this permanent aura of "nua" in the area. i just cant focus and concentrate on doing my best. its just the same monotonous churning out of acceptables. its like me being a hypocrite.

fug....

rotten

2006-11-22T17:10:00.000+08:00

its already midweek, and so far, everything's just rotten. it couldnt possibly get any worse, but then again, things dont always happen the way you think they would.

not in any mood to work, nor in any mood to do anything. its just me and my 12year companionship of cigerettes, almost everyday and everynight, sitting or wandering in the neighbourhood park, stoning and smoking away. cant stand this feeling, everyday wasting myself away.

its not as if there's not alot of work to be done, quite on the contrary. but there's really just no drive left. everything's just so messed up that i'm just not in the mood to do any work. tolerated all the bullshit and empty promises for so long, now its almost reached a breaking point. all the sweet talk, the misleading messages from management, all utter bullshit.

screw.....

累了

2006-11-20T21:34:00.000+08:00

我真的好累了。。。

我不想再当什么pillar of strength了。。。我并不是一个什么很稳获很强的男人。我不了解，为什么身边的人受了伤，总是来找我。我已经很累了，我不想做朋友伤心时的靠山。

笨蛋

2006-11-17T00:42:00.000+08:00

excerpts from 笨蛋-金莎

“很多时候我因为怕受伤，所以就选择先放弃。我更因为我太爱自由，所以明明渴望爱情，却依然不知怎样让别人进入我的世界。“
“难道，我不能给你百分百的信心吗？你知道，我一直有多在乎你。“
“我珍惜这份安全感，却担心他的牺牲。所以每天的感觉还是孤独的。我还是需要一个人，一个人想一想。“

“这段日子你真的过的好吗？“
“没有你的早晨，加了糖的咖啡，也是苦的。“
“当时我尊重你的要求，所以我离开。但，这段日子你不开心，所以我就回来了。“
“也许，我连自己要什么我也不知道。我一个人，游游荡荡。自由久了，也没有了目标。梦里醒来，发现墙上已经不自觉写满了你的名字。“
“单身，是茫然。恋爱，也彷徨。我明白，所以我用时间去证明了这颗心。不会因为你曾经的放弃而改变。“

“难道我真的是个笨蛋？一直错过已经在身边的幸福。“
“我们只是用时间找到了我们需要什么。时间，让我们认识了自己，也肯定了对方。“
“因为你，让我知道真正的幸福是什么。“

答应

2006-11-11T07:24:00.000+08:00

明明说好答应彼此不再谈起“爱”，但为何还是做不到？

不是都说过把彼此当作朋友，但为什么两人之间的感觉又不怎么像普通朋友？

也许是我自作多情，想得太多，把简简单单的一对感情相得复杂去了吧？

有些时候，我总是问自己，我能不能够真的把这个感觉给忘掉？我可不是说是个轻易喜欢上一个人的，何况是谈到爱上一个人。诺是喜欢上了人，就会很难把她给忘掉。

明明是想在彼此中做个分明点，慢慢的离开对方，不要去想起对方，希望这样能够让这个感觉消失，但对方却又使然不肯。心情中真的是好乱，好矛盾。

我是不喜欢不准守诺言的，答应了的事，一定会照着答应而办。但这次，我恐怕我办不到。

1st

2006-11-09T21:05:00.000+08:00

today was filled with alot of "firsts".

first off, today was the first day in 3weeks that i went to work after 9.30. today was also the first day that i did nothing productive at work, all i did was surfing forums and chatting through msn. and most importantly, today was the first day on which i knocked off before the sun setted in 3weeks.

3 fricking weeks, filled with overtime to the twilight hours of the next day. 3 fricking weeks of nonstop manual labour. 3 fricking weeks of insufficient sleep. 3 fricking weeks in which all i did was sleep, eat and work. 3 fricking weeks in which my normal mode of transport was everyone's favourite $2.50 vehicle. imagine the chances of getting the same mercedes limo cab, with the same driver twice over 3days. thats how it was for the past 3 fricking weeks. 3 fricking weeks of smoking a pack of ciggs within 12 frickin hours. 3 fricking weeks of nonstop hokkien-spouted expletives at every screwed-up-task that happened.

逃避

2006-11-09T02:52:00.000+08:00

work, the solution to all problems. troubled, just pour in every once of energy into work. overtime? not a problem, just another method to waste the time away and not think about the problem. fully focused, 100% concentration on work, just work. til one becomes so engrossed in the whole process, one doesnt even have time to contemplate and reflect upon the original problem. it could be described as an escape rope, a way to run away and not confront the issue, but everyone has their own methods. some people choose to go out for a run, work out in the gym, go out with friends, have a drinking spree, go shopping, etc. me? i just work.

its becoming more of a welcome escape route, a convenient excuse. just work and work and work until the body becomes automated, the brain switches off, and at the end of the day, one just becomes so engrossed, so tired, that the whole schedule for a day becomes, work, sleep, work.

but now, even problems would arise from work. so such happens. fucked ups, screw jobs, bullshits, blah blah blah. it takes immense self control, not to mention several packs of ciggerettes a day, just to keep myself from tipping over and exploding like a bloody supernova.

他妈的，我真的好想跑去海边好好的大声地大喊一场。。。。。把所有的烦恼，统统地把她喊出。。。。

恋爱与暗恋者

2006-11-03T01:40:00.000+08:00

人们都说，恋爱中的人都是最幸福，也是最不懂得珍惜的。得到了幸福，人就会把它当成一个理所当然的事；失去了才知道当时所拥有的，是多么珍贵。

那暗恋的人呢？暗恋的人，应该是在爱情这境界里最惨痛的吧。就像是歌里所唱的；“爱我的人对我痴心不悔，我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲，在乎的人始终不对谁对谁不必虚伪”。当所爱上的人不知或不还情，却又放不下，人生里的每一天仿佛是个折磨。有些时候，有些事情，不是说做就能够做到的；不是口中说要放就能那样随风而放走的。。。

最后

2006-11-02T09:02:00.000+08:00

"能不能让我把你忘记
能不能把我停下对你追寻
或许我能不再想你 "

我就好像是走到了一个四肢路口的感觉. 在等交通灯变青时, 别人已经开始走动了,但我还是不动的呆在同样的位子. 虽然这也是早已预料到的下场，但还是不知为何发呆。

两人虽然口中说把事情当作笑话来看，但心中却是另一个故事。外表显示不把事情当作一回事,但心里...

你
心中还是放不了他
而我
只能说是有缘无份吧
互相彼此都放不下心中人
到了最后受伤最深的也就只是我们

也许是我表错情了
也或许是我太傻了
既然大家这样下去都不快乐
也只能各人退后一步了
到了这个地步
又想把你真的忘记
但心中还是放不下去
又想不再据徐想你
但我知道你是永远会存在我的心里

昨天的你

2006-10-19T11:18:00.000+08:00

注定不会是你的，就一定不会是你的吗？

昨天的你，是如此的美丽
而昨天的我，却是如此的冷漠和悲伤
我知道我是没什么资格；你已经有了他
所以我只能站在远处带着没希望的盼望

孤单的一个人，走着这条悲伤的寂寞街
自己静静的含着眼泪，心中始终放不了你
孤单的一个人，单独的流浪这孤单世界
注定不会是你的，就只能把你的回忆收在我心里

昨天的你，是多么的美
而昨天的我，只能在笑中藏着自己的眼泪
我无法让你知道，我心里是多么无奈多么伤悲
无法让你知道，那站在远处爱你的滋味

孤单的一个人，走着悲伤的寂寞之街
自己静静的含着眼泪，心中始终放不了你
孤单的一个人，单独的流浪这寂寞边界
注定不会是你的，就只能把你的回忆收在我心里

昨天的你，是多么如此的美丽
而站在你身边的我
只能默默的在远处爱着你

条件

2006-10-18T00:57:00.000+08:00

我可不是说是个有钱人，我也不是个什么英俊潇洒的大帅哥。说到文凭读书方面，我也不是个天才或很有学问的人。在我所提出的这几样方面之中，我不是什么优秀或特出的人。在这个现实的世界里，我可没有什么能给对方有点安定的东西。难听点，就可说我只不过是个没条件的穷光蛋。

有很多次，我总是问自己，喜欢上的人，可是个有钱人（跟我来做比较). 就别说钱财, 人家也说是个大学生, 哪会喜欢上我这种人? 总是对着自己说, 别再继续作着这个癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉的白日梦了. 但为何还是放不下呢? 要骗自己这只是短暂的小小一个五分钟 crush, 但还是一直忘不了她. 真的好想大喊一下, 把心中所有的烦恼全部把它喊出去. 有没有用, 我可不知.

话说到来, 我不是个有钱人, 或什么大帅哥. 但我所能保证的, 只是我会用我一切去好好的爱那个人, 不让她收到任何伤害. 就算她已有了心上人, 她也找不到一个跟爱她的人...

感觉

2006-10-16T22:28:00.000+08:00

"一段并不长的距离, 爱却跨不过去, 天空无语海无情"

虽然认识你不久，但在这短短的期间里，有了一种奇怪的感觉。我不是个说是很开朗或乐观的人，但每次跟你在一起的时候，总是感觉到有一种舒服感，好像世界里所有的烦恼都不纯在。就好像是歌曲里所唱的; "忘了是怎么开始, 也许就是对你, 有一种感觉..."

我不敢说我是爱上了你，因为我只不过认识你不久。宽且，这么短的时间，说爱上一个人，这种事只能在戏或故事书里发生的。也许是慢慢的喜欢上了你吧, 你那可爱的微笑, 傻傻的样子. 当你在我身边时, 我也是副被你感染到了的样子.

也许这会有点可笑, 但跟你在一起的时候, 时间虽然不久, 但那段时间,可是我一天内最快乐, 也是我最难过的时候....

如果

2006-10-12T23:26:00.000+08:00

如果有一天，你看到了你的初恋情人，你会怎么作？

如果有一天，我对你说声"我爱你"，你又会有什么反应？

untitled

2006-10-09T16:14:00.000+08:00

silence

2006-10-09T01:40:00.000+08:00

没话说的时候，安安静静的在一起不是比较好吗？

两人静静的坐在一起，一定要说话才不会尴尬吗？

简单

2006-10-03T23:25:00.000+08:00

"Horizons rise here in my eyes, a sound of silence calls
But in my heart a distant hope, is mine forever more"

the past few days have been a whirlwind of confusion. unable to focus on anything, the thoughts that clouded my mind have been too much of a distraction. it was as if i was about to return to one of the darkest period so far in my oh-so-brief life. the mood swings returned, as did the chain smoking.

我想，有些时候，东西总是是简单的，但人就是偏偏把东西弄到复杂去。。。

灰色的爱情

2006-10-02T01:16:00.000+08:00

冷雨下孤独的我
看着雨水向地落
始终忘不了所犯的错
背叛了对自己的承诺

难道爱情真的不分黑白
只能在远处看着你
无论怎么放也放不开
默默的在心中想着你

故事中多少鸳鸯蝴蝶梦
情歌里多少伤心流泪曲
都表不出我对你的感受
爱情里多少幸福故事里
童话中多少美丽結局后
都表不出我对你的温柔
难道爱情美梦只能在故事里实现
难道我就真的只能在远处看着你的脸

最长远的距离

2006-09-30T02:03:00.000+08:00

雨中漫步
孤单的走着那条路
脑海一片糊涂

寂寞秋天
看着人群来往的期间
始终忘不了你那一面

也许是我自作多情
也或许是我太过天真
脑海里始终分不清
把不可能的梦当真

我可以为了你
从天涯跑到海角
但我知道在你心里
始终没有我的地位
原来全世界里
最长远的距离
是我在你身边
而你不知道我是爱着你

再见

2006-09-28T03:35:00.000+08:00

沉默的那个寂寞期间
你我只是几次偶尔碰过
沉默的那个寂寞期间
你我彼此都忙着各人生活

寂寞的我也预料不到
你那迷人的微笑
就改变了一切
改变了我的世界

你对我
说了个再见
不知不觉改变了我的世界
我那时
又不知该如何
去面对我所对你的感觉

我看我
自己想得太多
也可能是我自己所犯下的错
难道在你
眼前的我
始终对你
始终就是不算什么

security blanket

2006-09-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

"男人哭吧哭吧哭吧不是罪，再强的人也有权利去疲惫 "

my time was the time of the macho men, the infallible iron bodies that would shield their loved ones from all harm. there was only heterosexual. metrosexuals, snags, were all classified as faggots and weaklings. weak, spineless guys who cant stand up to any sweat and blood. my father is a prime example of le ancien regime. much of my values and principles in life were cultivated by him.

"在我年少的时候, 身边的人说不可以流泪"

so, its really hard for me to feel vulnerable. he was the standard, and will always be the standard for which i will measure myself against. to show your weakness was to fail. so now, you could pretty much understand where i'm coming from. i'd tried to match up to his expectations, be it hidden or shown, and yet somehow, i'd always feel like i've failed him each and everytime, even if he doesnt say it or appears not to care.

you'd remember the snoopy cartoons, Linus always has his security blanket. for me, my security blanket would be my coarse behaviour and crude language. you'd know i'm trying too hard when i start acting all "beng-ish" and spouting all my half past six hokkien. in a way, this behaviour has become a buffering zone around me, eliminating any previous awkwardness in me.

its often said, once bitten twice shy. previous brushes with matters of the heart was disastrous, thus it's difficult to find faith in this area. thus, whenever it seems that situations involving the other sex is in danger of turning into something more, i'd always steel myself and find ways to draw myself out from the situations. the for-mentioned behaviour comes in pretty handy in these types of situations. decent girls would find it a turn off and i'd be safe. the disadvantage of this is that, it seems now i'm branded as an ah beng.... not that i've anything against anything or anyone...well, i guess the security blanket worked too well...

me me me

2006-09-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

there is no one like me. its a fact.

i was never part of the popular group, be it in school or work. the only clique i was ever in was the so called "unwanted" group. back in secondary school, everyone would want to be in the group with the popular guys, hanging onto their coat tails. i was either busy kicking/smoking my grades away or with the normal tech guys. i wouldnt term them as bad company, in fact, i'd bet all of them had more guts and 讲义气 than those in the express stream.

i'm not ashamed of the fact. even though there were times when i'd look at the frat boys and wished i was one of them, i knew i wouldnt, and couldnt be in their circle, even if i'd try. to me, what's most important to a person is his principles. even if a guy is poor, if his principles are upright and he sticks to them, he'd be richer than any of the richest people with a less den savoury reputation. 对我来说，我宁可做个穷光蛋。。也不做个王八蛋。。

no more fun

2006-09-12T00:55:00.000+08:00

tuesday. september 12. 2006. 53minutes into the day.

for some reason, i find myself regressing back to my insomnia days. dont know why. its kind of sudden altogether. there hasnt been any depression attacks ever since starting on the job. and yet, somehow, i find myself getting more and more downcast as the days go by. life's starting to feel empty. in the past, whenever i get these attacks, football's always the cure. i truly believed in living, eating and breathing football. but now, even the game has lost much of its appeal to me. the sunday games are starting to feel more like a chore rather than enjoyment.

i used to want to start in every game, to play in every game. sitting out on any game is tough, watching from the sidelines, edging the teams to score and knock out the other team; its like being in a race car with your hands tied behind your back. yet the past few sessions, this feeling isnt as strong as it was. the desire to play wasnt there. it was merely just another session to meet old friends, chat a while, get a few minutes of run out. as sad as it is for me to say it, but the game no longer interests me.

as does other previous interests. computer games? stopped playing them ever since 6months ago, unless you count solitaire and freecell. drawing? haven't been drawing much for the past few years. writing? look at the sessions of this blog and you'll get what i mean.

damn it, maybe i'm beginning to ease into the middle aged syndrome...

COMEX

2006-09-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

its enough to make anyone with half a working mind go beserk.

why the FUCK do people bring their FUCKING kids and babies along to a bloody IT show? and worse still, why the FUCK do people have to wheel their FUCKING baby prams into the bloody squeezy convention centre? its already squeezy and stuffy enough already, with everyone thronging into the hall on the last day, hoping to get some good last minute offers. if i wasnt in control of myself, i would have pushed and kicked any baby prams or small irritating kid that's in my way. fuck social etiquette, screw social impressions, to hell with public consideration. those bloody idiots overstepped the boundries of logical thinking and public consideration in the first place. you want a family outing? bring your whole entire fucking family, all fucking 3 or 4 generations of it, you can even throw in your maid, for all i care. just have the fucking common sense or decency to do so when the crowd wont be so chaotic. bloody idiots can just take their bloody baby prams and shove it up their candy asses.

my friend power...

2006-08-26T22:20:00.000+08:00

a friend proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. big event sia. got mediacock people come and film some more. got pic to prove also. power sia, pre-proposal he took his girlfriend up on the DHL hot air balloon at bugis the area there. the patchy things in the photo above is a photo mosiac of a teddy bear holding a heart, those cute cute furry teddy bear pics. so high up in the balloon, his girlfriend can see the mosiac.

kudos to my friend sia, damn romantic right?

taken from an excerpt of the afternoon msn conversation between me and him before the big event:

me: today your big day liao wor...
him: yah
him: your day will come also
me: what? me? wait long long lor...
him: long long? 99? 9x9=81...
me: .....

one fine day

2006-08-23T01:25:00.000+08:00

if i were to fall down
one fine day
where would you be
if i was lost and couldnt be found
one of these days
what would you see

i'm not talking about the silly things
that you said to me
back when we were young and foolish
and the future was so faraway

i'm not talking about the silly dreams
that you heard from me
back when we were young and foolish
and the future was so faraway

now i, i cant explain
i cant describe
all the mixed emotions that i feel inside
and i, i cant deny
and i just cant hide
if i told you something else it would be just a lie

if somewhere sometime somehow
i didnt say goodbye
what would you say
and if the reason i wasnt there
i couldnt explain
would you even care

i'm not thinking about the senseless things
that you got from me
back when we were young and foolish
and the future's so faraway

i'm not talking about the senseless dreams
that you heard from me
back when we were young and foolish
and the future's just another day

now i, i cant explain
and i cant describe
all the mixed emotions that i feel inside
and i, i cant deny
and i just cant hide
if i told you something else it would be just a lie

if i were to fall down
one fine day
where would you be

I'm not in Love

2006-08-18T01:28:00.000+08:00

I'm not in love

10cc

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because
I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I like to see you
But then again
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell your friends about the two of us
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there
So don't you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me
I'm not in love, no no, it's because..

Ooh you'll wait a long time for me
Ooh you'll wait a long time
Ooh you'll wait a long time for me
Ooh you'll wait a long time

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because I call you up
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made
I'm not in love
I'm not in love

missing you

2006-08-14T02:23:00.000+08:00

i never knew
i never thought that much about you
now i'm confused
and i dont know why i'm so blue

i'm missing you
even though i never knew
the image of you keeps running through my head
and babe, i'm about to break
the image of you just wont fade

i never thought
through all the battles and wars i fought
that its all for naught
never thought that i'd get caught

i'm missing you
even though you'd never know
cant forget the image of you in my head
and girl, i'm about to break
but it seems that i'm just too late

will you still love me in the morning
when last night was just a memory
will you still be as loving
or will it all fade into history
will you still remember me
as time goes by
or will you forget all about me
and let the times we had fly

i'm missing you
even though no one ever knew
cant forget the picture of you in my head
i'm this much closer to break
as the whole world starts to fade...

stupid people

2006-08-10T02:42:00.000+08:00

dated 9th august.

ever woke up one day feeling pissed, everyone's against you? that you just feel that the day's going to suck no matter what, and that you'd like nothing better than to blast the face off anyone and everyone you see with a sawn-off shotgun?

stepping out of home, every face i saw, to me, was the face of someone who voted for the stupid arses who are going to raise the transport fees, raise the taxes, raise ciggerette prices, raise every single bloody thing that can be raised except my bloody pay. those bloody 66.6% who voted for the incumbents must be equipped with the rosiest of rose glasses or bloody rich to shrug off the increases in daily expenses. its amazing how a little bribe before elections can just brush off the memories of past experiences. people get progress package money pre-elections, vote for people who give them the money, and after elections, the people who give the money raises taxes, prices, etc to gain back more money from the other people. and so the story goes.

who gives a damn about fireworks display? apparently, those 66.6% does. am i the only one who thinks and knows that all those fireworks are doing nothing than simply burning up the tax payers' money? if you're so excited about fireworks, why dont you take your own money, burn them and throw them up in the air?

guys n girls

2006-08-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

i talk to a girl via instant messaging.

does it means that i like her? maybe.

does it means that i'm interested in her? could be.

does it means that i'm interested to 'jio' her as a girlfriend? i dont think so.

i dont really get the whole shenanigan about getting a girlfriend. i mean, why cant guys talk to girls normally as friends? whats so hard about having an entirely platonic relationship?

maybe it sounds as though i'm trying to convince myself. i'd admit, sometimes, it does. but i'm not entirely interested in relationships at this current stage in my life. friends are good enough for me. i'd be the first to admit, i'm not a ladies' man. in fact, the total female populace in my circle of acquaintances would probably amount to 1%. its not easy for me to speak easily and freely around the opposite gender, like the way i speak with my brudders, but there are some girls i know whom i feel perfectly at ease with. and i certainly dont get why the guys always seem to think i'm interested in this girl or that when i'm spotted having a IM conversation.

so let me put the record straight. i'm not interested in having a girlfriend right now. if that still doesnt work, i'd think i'm going to have to declare that i'm gay to put off all thos rumour mongers. *snigger.

so does it mean i'm interested in the girl?

maybe, but not now.

resolving issues

2006-07-31T01:18:00.000+08:00

so the yellow box rule comes into full force. friends tell me to stop smoking, since there's so many restrictions and prohibitive measures coming into effects. but to me, thats like surrendering my rights to the government. to stop smoking just because of the rules that the people who run this place have put into effect just means that they have won this battle. its not just a simple case of stop smoking and thats it. its a case of surrendering your ideologies, your beliefs, your principles, things that define a person. i smoke because i choose to, not because somebody tells me to, or to spite those who tell me not to smoke. its my choice, and i'm damned if i going to stop just because someone high up in some powerful position tells me to. to stop me smoking is my choice and my decision only.

so today, its smoking, who knows what next the government would try to restrict. its been done with chewing gums and adult magazines. the reason for chewing gums was that it disrupts lifts and train services. yeah right. and subway services and lifts in the US or UK are always halted because of gum. the government would use any reason, any excuse, no matter how stupid it sounds, to cook up some justification of the laws it implements. so sit tight, and treasure the current situation you're in, 'cos the elections are over, and the people in power can do whatever they want, be it raising taxes, raising transportation fees, raising anything to boost their incomes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

singaporeans who blindly follow the ruling party has to be the blindest people in the entire world. they are the ones who wear rose-tinted glasses, believe whatever the government tells them and would cry outrage at the mere notion that the government's wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so this post may be politically charged, and i'm just another faceless nobody in this wide spectrum. but meet me face to face, and i'd still spit out these same words to anybody, PAP lapdog or opposition kah kia.

lim bei buay song with the gahmen, siu hoon kee oso got restrictions liao, nabei fuck off lah.

work work

2006-07-28T01:21:00.000+08:00

busy with work for the past for-all-i-know-how many days. and just the other weekend before the crunch week, i was thinking to myself how boring my life is that my saturdays and sundays are spent watching rented dvds and sleeping. what i'd give for that now.

but at least its better than rotting at home with no income i guess. besides, the collegues here make a pretty fun bunch too. there are the pretty ones, the funny ones, the smokers, and not forgetting my poly kakhis. 有难同挡！working OT for the past few days reminded me of our poly days, the few of us staying back, most of the times without permits, late into the night in the studios, working on projects, portfolios and holding marathon lan parties. the differences are that now, there's only 3 of us from that poly group, and there's no lan parties, at least not yet. sniggers*

and as usual, i forgot what i intended to write down here again....

smoke

2006-07-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

smoking in singapore is becoming more and more like a crime. now, with the stupid new implementation of the "yellow box law", one cant even smoke as one pleases anywhere anymore. everyday, you flip the (gahmen controlled) papers and you get letters written in by non smokers who complain about smokers. "smokers are irresponsible", "blow smoke onto others", blah blah blah, yaddah yaddah, etc. and what a surprise! there's not one rebuttal from any smokers anywhere in sight!(in the press) to all that rubbish, so excuse moi francaise. nabei cheebye!

from what i observed throughout my entire smoking life, us smokers have always been considerate with our smoking. poohbor, you think the wind smokers control one is it, ninabei. even small young punks who smoke illegally oso never blow smoke into lao auntie lao ahpei! those people who got nothing to do, too much time, must be the ones who write in to complain about smokers. chao cheebye, people build the road so wide, who ask you want to walk beside smokers? no one ask you must die die fight for an empty seat in crowded kopi tiams when that seat happen to be beside a smoker. cannot stand smoke dont sit there lah!

chao cheebye. first, these bastards complain, make the cheebye men in white raise cigerette prices. then, still not enough, now even must smoke in yellow boxes, machiam back in army time liddat. lanjiao hor le kam ah! i think those people who write in complain, surely too much time, or they are working for the gahmen. cheebye, raise prices, means more taxes from ciggies, means more money for them bloody MIWs. fucking cheebyes. next election, think opposition party dont need fight so jialat, just say will abolish the "yellow box law", lower the stupid cig pricings, sure can get enough votes to win one.

friday

2006-07-15T16:54:00.000+08:00

nabei.

was going to do this yesterday. but better late than never.

just when everything was going to turn for the better on a new day, i started friday coming into office drenched. and freezing. and without my jacket. it was going to be one of those days, i thought. thursday was the last day in the office for one of my friends from poly. the bastard's leaving and jumping to become some technical assistant/staff/whatever it is back in NYP. and friday was the last day in the office for one of my smoking kahkis. the guy's entering the army next friday. now he's gone, means that the smoker population in the office's cut down from its already near-extinct status to nearer-extinct status.

its amazing, isnt it? i mean, i dont really warm up to strangers quickly. it usually takes more than a month for me to be comfortable among new surroundings, yet with smokers, just a session of smoking together and it seems we've known each other all our lives. was feeling a bit down(genuinely) for the buddy leaving though.

after work, some of the guys proceeded to book a nearby KTV for the guy's final sendoff. some of us joined up later, having to finish up some last minute touches. dont know why, but i always feel cold whenever im inside a KTV room. a few minutes in and i'll be shivering. so boh bian, drink shots of martell to keep myself warm. think i downed at least 10 odd shots. i thought i'd go drunk, since its been almost like 8months since i last touched any hard liquor, but thankfully i remained sober. didnt even got that dreaded hangover effect when i woke up this afternoon.

sunday football gang

2006-07-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

its the last 15 minutes of my 23rd big day as i'm writing this down.

now that the world cups over, it seems that my life has been sucked into a void. no football for the next 3 or so weeks. my whole life, at least till now, has always been occupied with football. ever since i learnt how to properly kick a ball back in my kampong when i was 3 or 4. football is never far from my mind. yet, now, this emptiness is hard to describe.

there used to be regular football games every sundays between my secondary school batch of fellow football enthusiasts. yet as time went by, most were drawn away by studies, work, or other reasons. of the original founding members of this group, only 3 of us remained. yet it seems that these sundays' football games would come to an end soon. even though the whole shenanigan lasted for almost 7years, it does leave a bitter taste in its miserable demise. i'm not disappointed that the whole thing has run finished its natural course, but rather that the rest of the people couldnt match the remaining 3 of our passion and commitment. maybe they thought studies/work/girlfriends are more important, or maybe they thought that since there'll always be 3 of us, and we 3 would usually gather the others, thus they need not come so often, or maybe they just lost their interest. i dont blame them, complacency is a silent beast, one never realises its grasp on oneself. but as i mentioned, its disappointing.

and studies. yeah, study hard and get a good job. thats the mantra handed down generation after generation. but is 4hours of a single day every week too much to ask for? to me, studies are just a lazy excuse. if one needs to study even on a sunday, it just proves that one hasnt studied for the previous 6 days.

i dont know how many of them will come across this, or even if they do, they'll think, "yeah, he's not even in university. what does he know about our stressful schedule?" if thats the case, let it be, i'll always be an outsider to the rest, but at least i hope this would have served as a wake up call to some. this issue not only relates to football, but to life as well. think about it.

maze

2006-06-23T17:12:00.000+08:00

here i stand, before judgement's gates
waiting to hear of my fate
as i look around all dazed and confused
wondering if my mind's run loosed

i listened as the angel read out my life
it flashes out right before my eyes
all the friends i've made and lost
all the moments come and gone
seems to me my life has been a waste

til i see something out of the corner of my eyes
letting the rest of my memories go by
took a closer look and focused
truth be told it wasnt what i'd expected
to see the image at the end of my life

the image of you always returns
drawing me from the dream like daze
and for some reason
i'm stuck here right now in this endless maze of you

here i stand, before these closed gates
seems to me i was too late
as i walk about all dazed and confused
wondering why everything's so new

i watch as the people about me walk by
everyone going about their own lives
all the friends i've made and lost
all the moments come and gone
seems to me my life has been a waste

til i see something out of the corner of my eyes
letting the rest of my memories go by
took a closer look and focused
truth be told it wasnt what i'd expected
to see the image at the end of my life

the image of you always returns
drawing me from the dream like daze
and for some reason
i'm stuck here right now in this endless maze of you

i cant go on
and i cant go back
everything past and future's gone
and all the present's gone off track

yet the image of you always returns
drawing me from the dream like daze
and for some reason
i'm stuck here right now in this endless maze of you

the image of you always returns
drawing me from the dream like daze
and for some reason
i'm stuck here right now in this endless maze of you
this endless maze of you

never mine

2006-06-22T16:19:00.000+08:00

its been only five minutes since you left
and i'm missing you already
all this time i must have been dumb and deaf
trying to fight my feelings

must have been the biggest fool
caught up in my own fantasy
'cos i've been too lost in you
all this time too blind to see

that you were never gonna be mine
that chasing after you would be just another waste of time
you were always gonna be the desire that was to be denied
but i was then too blinded by my own selfish pride

all this time, all this while
all i ever wanted to say
i love you
i loved you ever since i met you

five months by since you left
and yet i'm still missing you
all this time it seemed i'm stuck in a crash
stuck here without a single clue

seems i'm always a step too late
never able to grasp the situation
to someone who doesnt ever seem to wait
bounded by conflicting emotions

you were never gonna be mine
chasing after you would be another waste of time
desire made flesh only to be denied
loving you it seemed would be a crime

all this time, all this while
all i ever wanted to say
i love you
i loved you ever since i saw you

all this while, all this time
all i ever wanted to say
i miss you
i've been missing you all this time

holding onto a fading memory
lost and drowned in my misery
seems to me i've lost you way back then

but you were never mine to begin with
you got your own free live to start living
i'm only fooling myself all this time

but all this time, all this while
all i ever wanted to say
but never had the chance to say
i love you
i loved you all this time
i loved you all this while

truth be told...

2006-06-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

i hate you.

i hate myself.

in fact, i hate almost everything there is to hate/like.

i hate the rose-tinted spectacles-wearing people that proclaim this land home, i hate the white-wearing people who decide what you can/cannot do, i hate the delusional and misguided populace.

i hate the idea of fate and destiny, i hate the fact that i'm not in control of my life.

i hate the double standards imposed upon different people, i hate the fact that we are judged by academia, yet we learn nothing of the real world from schools.

i hate the shows that are playing on the google box nowadays, i hate the ratings-craving reality shows, everything is the same, rehashed and recycled.

i hate the music playing over the air nowadays, i hate the self-proclaimed emo-rocker poser who wears pink and studded earrings. i hate the money grabbing industrial-churned out package(read boy bands, girl bands, next big thing) who spend their fifteen minutes of fame posing and then leave with nary a whimper.

i hate people seeking excuses and shifting blames.

people will always seek scapegoats for whatever problems there are. blame it on the government, blame it on tom, dick or harry, blame it on the weather, blame it on circumstance. more often than not, religion plays a big part on this. the crusades, jihads, genocides, world wars. senseless butchery and savagery carried out on the word of righteousness of the spoken truth. clashing of differing views and faiths, leading up to vicious verbal attacks, followed by show of arms, resulting in mass suffering.

in good times, it'll be praising of the faith, of 'miracles', or divine intervention. people, blinded and deluded by their faiths, believing that some higher being up there will make things better, that better days would come after offering sacrifice. religion is without a doubt, the easiest and laziest of all scapegoats and excuses.

to quote, "human beings are like germs; viruses, disease, a plague on the surface of these planet."

take a moment to think about it, and you'll find that its true.

i am an angry little man.

welcome to the desert of the real

2006-06-13T00:11:00.000+08:00

they tell you what they want you to hear
they feed you what they want you to believe
when all they do is play on all your fears
denying you the right to be free

welcome
to the desert of the real
when all's said and done
nothing is as it feels

but you're plugged in too deep
connected to everything they've sold you
you feel like you wont wake up from this sleep
all hopes are getting far and few

welcome
to the desert of the real
everything's made up of ones and nones
nothing's old and nothing's new

its ironic you cant sleep at night
you're afraid of the knock on your door
the inner demons that you fight
that keeps you pinned down on the floor

welcome
to the desert of the real
the choice is now right before you
will it be the blue or red pill

welcome
to the desert of the real

essential luxuries

2006-06-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

"eat first, die later"

seriously, whats the difference between a plate of chicken rice in orchard road, and a plate of chicken rice in your friendly neighbourhood coffee shop? the answer? the price. it doesnt matter how tasty and succulent the chicken meat is, or how soft the rice is. it can taste like dog poo, but no one's going to bat an eyelid when they hand over some 10-odd bucks for the plate of chicken rice if its in orchard road, and the store looks posh and fancy enough.

i guess i may be the only one alone in this train of thought, but i'd rather pay neighbourhood prices for my food. their cheap, usually tasty, and ultimately fill your stomach, fulfilling its intended purposes. spending inflated prices for the decor, ambience and what-not, to me, is just plain luxury. unless its a special occassion, you wont find me shelling out my money on fancy pansy food outlets.

and whats so special about 小笼包s? they cost 10bucks, and its only 1 mouthful. there's some sauce/soup inside, but that's all there is. its just a fricking small bite sized chicken bun filled with soup inside to me. i dont really get why people would want to spend 10bucks on 9small buns when a fist sized chicken bun costs less then 1buck. guess its the novelty factor and wallet size.

from all the above, one would probably deduce that i'm a stingy guy. yeah, so what. there are luxuries, and there are essentials in life. it just depends on how one would arrange them. to me, luxuries are spending obscene prices on essentials. especially when you're on a limited income, i really dont see why one should go and spend without forethought. or maybe its just everyone's sold on the TV idealogy nowadays, highlighted by Chuck Palahniuk.

block

2006-06-07T01:51:00.000+08:00

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will." ~ George Bernard Shaw

ideas come and go, like taxi cabs during peak hours. try to grab one, and you're left with a fleeting glimspe of the whole thing. some people attribute the ability to fulfil these ideas as creativity, others as imagination. all i know is, i've been scolded for daydreaming too many times during my younger days to be concerned with what others say.

it always ends up as a story these days, these ideas of mine. different types of stories; different settings, different people, different meanings. some come easy, like taking a book and finding the pages beign written already, but most just arrives with an inkling of the main plot.

if i'm thinking about creating a vast world, in a ancient fantasy background, complete with fantasy creatures, it'd be easy. with all the task of creation, its like playing god in my mind. who to make powerful, who to kill, etc, etc. but when i stumble upon an idea, or a drift of an idea, set in real life, or mirroring real life, its hard to come out with something solid, something substantial. i have the main plot, what the whole thing's going to be about, i have a clear view on what i want to tell, but its like getting the body of the story. you'd think it would be easy. you'd think wrong. the hardest part comes with formulating a credible begining, setting of the whole mood, whole feel of the story. its like, 'do i set it in LA, or Tokyo?' or 'this surroundings doesnt really suit what i want, now that i think of it.' this is usually the part i come in with a massive stop sign in my head stating "block" in big bold red letters. its hard to get round this block, and my success rate with it is less than favourable.

damn this block.

ah bengism

2006-06-02T09:23:00.000+08:00

there was a time, when if you had a 明 in your name, you'd be called Ah Beng. and thats all to it.

then along with time, and some buddies in the form of Ah Seng, Ah Kow, Ah Beng was used to address any chinese guy on the street. it became the singaporean equivilent of "Tom, Dick, and Harry".

then somwhere along the early 90s, Ah Beng was a term used to refer to those ne'er-do wells, dialect spouting(usually hokkien and swear words), which soon evolved into uncouth, young wannabes. easily recognizable, they'd be the ones who wear tight fitting collered shirts usually in a bright garish colour, long tight jeans with sweeping ends, slick gelled dyed hair usually in centre parting, long wallets and to complete the equation, a comb with a long sharp pointed handle. they'd often have techno beats on their handphones/music device and would usually point out their favourite past time was the Dance Dance Revolution machine in the arcades.

now, the modern Ah Beng has evolved to a trend following, still techno music blasting(from his handphone) t-shirt wearing guy, just sans the centre parted hair, jeans, wallet and comb.

so with all that evidence and history, that proves that i am no Ah Beng.

so why do friends i meet still call me one?

i am no follower of trends, i wear whats on top of the pile of clothes. i cant stand techno music, and feel liek whacking the next guy who blasts it from his handphone on public transport, and even if i do spout hokkien and swear occassionally, i reserve them for special occassions(namely during a football match). so what makes me an ah beng?

sure, i've been in fights, but i dont really shout thos juvenile and amatuer "yo-ah-yo" chants. those are for posers, and wannabes. i smoke, but i'd doubt the normal ah beng smoke as much as me. i speak hokkien and swear, but thats because i AM hokkien and as for the swearing, you sometimes just gotta let it out. so where's the justification?

and i'm pretty sure that if i AM an ah beng, you'd be hard pressed to find one more eloquent than me.

Lost Generation

2006-05-08T15:32:00.000+08:00

we are the Lost Generation.

those that are stuck between the Generation Xs and Generation Ys. those that belong to neither the Computer Age nor the Outdoor people. we belong to neither here nor there. and it seems for certain that we will forever be etched in time's no mans land, destined to be forgotten by the past and the future.

we are those who find themselves sandwiched between the passing of an age and at the threshold of a new dawn. we are those that remembered the harsh fight for democratic independance, yet are those that are becoming increasingly disgruntled and disillusioned by the current incumbents' dictactorial style. we are those that grew up collecting stamps, coins, reading books because there was nothing else to do, yet have eased in the transition of adapting to the advent of computerisation.

to quote from Chuck Palahniuk:

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.

We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place.

We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives.

We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

Lucky's

2006-04-30T22:28:00.000+08:00

Lucky's.

a small little bar tucked in a dark corner of a dark town. frequented only by a dozen or so regulars, any newcomers entering the bar would be stared down by everyone inside, as if undergoing some kind of acceptability test. everyone knows everyone inside; who's doing what today, who's sleeping with who's wife, who's kids are into drug troubles again, you get the idea. its not a place for wimps or those who call themselves metrosexuals or whatever it is the media calls faggots.

in short, Lucky's is a bar for the alpha males, the extinct kind. hard hitting, tough talking, beer downing folks who wont think twice about giving you a free dental surgery if you pissed them off.

*******************************************************************************

its a typical lazy saturday night, where the young folks are out at some trendy joints shaking their bodies and the old folks are lazing at home, watching the telly or just staring into space. Adam was sitting quietly in a corner, watching the boxing match on the small little telly hanging from the corner of the bar. every now and down, he would look around the bar, careful not to appear too obvious, and then go back to watching the match. there wasnt much of a crowd at Lucky's tonight; apart from him, there were four other guys playing cards at the other end of the bar, a couple of old folks talking amongst themselves and the barman.

"nor 'aving a drink, mate?" the barman asked Adam.

"no thank you, i'm just watching the match."

"yer betting on 'er match, laddie? cos, by the rate yer sweatin', yer gonnaend up all dried up like er dem skellies if yer aint gonna get yerself a drink."

the barman was getting on Adam's nerves; why cant he just leave him alone? and was he really sweating so much? he wanted to reach up his forehead and wipe the perspiration away, but decided against it.

"oh alright, give me a double scotch whisky, on the rocks then."

"ai, double scotch on the rocks coming right up, good luck with yer match mate."

after the barman left to get his drink, Adam looked around. he hoped he didnt draw any attention to himself. thank god, he thought to himself. the others in the bar didnt seem to notice him. it wasnt his type of place to hangout, but a friend had insisted that they meet here. he silently cursed his friend for standing him up like this. here, to say that the place makes him insecure would be an understatement. it absolutely terrifies him. he was a nice guy, went to a catholic boys' school, always listened to his elders, always playing by the book, never once in his life stepping out of line.

when the barman handed him his drink, he was praying that the barman wouldnt speak to him. thankfully, the guy just handed him his drink and left to polish some glasses.

kopitiam talk

2006-04-17T17:45:00.000+08:00

i is sick.

not sick sick but sick nontheless. last night went AMK S-11 lak tea with some poly friends and my buddy soulburnz. long time never lak tea/kopi with friends liao. out of the 5 of us there, 2 are army regulars, 2 are jobless, and only soulburnz can claim to have some sort of satisfaction with his life. haha. before you come and shoot me "where got?" arh, ming, look at the facts hor. got girlfriend, got job, got money, better than me liao hor. so you shoot me i will shoot back these facts. cue maniacal laughter mwahahah.

anyways, the natural progression of kopitiam discussions usually boils down to 3things; football, army, and work. since among the 5 of us, only i qualify as football-siao, so the football topic was discarded. army topic wise, got 2 regulars, talk what army stuff, so gone too was the topic. so now left work. work wise, well, there was nothing to discuss on work. can only talk about our trials and tribulations in our quest to find a job related to our studies and passion.

the discussion damn solid. long long time never have this type of mature discussions liao. we shared opinions and viewpoints, resources and ideas. although majority of the discussion was centered on helping out a friend to make up his mind of continued education or working experience, the discussion nontheless provided key insights and food for thought for the rest of us.

but the bad thing out of last night's experience was, i think i smoked too much liao. pookie, too long never lak tea, now level dropped liao. still felt ok until 10minutes into reaching home. body felt weird, then had to go to the sink to force myself to vomit out the sick feeling. nah bei, last time can lim tea lak kopi smoke like no body business, now smoke 10sticks lim 2 cups of tea go home can vomit liao. say out loud also damn paiseh.

end up no mood to do anything, sleep also cannot sleep well. nah bei.

¼+¼=½?

2006-04-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

i is sianz¼.

fuck it. the company douwan me douwan me lor. dream job, crap job, lanjiao job all fuck it. if they fucking want experienced guys now, i dont think i'll get hired, no matter how good my portfolio is. now, 招匹人马，find got people want to chup jit kah with me anot.

i is sianz½.

now Uni exam period. kan ni nah. sianz. no one to jio come out. all busy mugging for exams. i tell them, "study so hard for what? you study so hard, oso cannot beat them cheena kias one. people studying machine one how to beat." they say, "aiyah, you wont understand one. papers very important one. must get my aggregate higher this time." win liao lor. say i wont understand one. lose argument never mind, i just dont like the "wont understand phrase". machiam i from outer space alien liddat.

never mind, i lun that remark.

i shoot back, "you study so much, come out got degree oso useless now. you think only you fighting in uni with them cheena kia meh. you come out see your jobs also kena chopped by cheena kias. worse still, now got bangla kias, and donno-wad people from overseas. might as well retain and study sommore, come out oso waste time look for jobs while people from overseas take your jobs."

they shoot back, "wont one lah, NUS/NTU degree lei. not diploma or wad. confirm got job one"

this time super tui sia, ni nau hia. i shoot 5.56mm they shoot back RPG. shoot me diploma lor. winz.

i is sianz liao.

我只想做个好人！

2006-04-15T19:36:00.000+08:00

i think i should be locked up somewhere far away from human interaction. i seriously do not know what is wrong with me, or maybe i know, but i choose to ignore the signs.

i is moody.

i is bad person?

is it because i speak a lot of vulgarities that i'm a bad egg? if you've known me for some time, you would know that i spout less curses now than when i was a hot headed young punk. (i may still be a hot headed young punk at times, but i certainly dont feel young anymore.)

is it because i smoke? lets see:

primary school batch friends 10 plus, smokers 1
secondary school batch friends 20 plus, smokers 1
polytechnic batch friends 10 plus, smokers 3
army batch friends 10 plus, smokers almost half

so facts point out i'm usually the odd one out of the group with my smoking, unless i'm with my army friends. so does that make me a bad influence? i dont think so, at least i hope i'm not. i dont force any of my friends to smoke, in fact i'll probably fuck them if they want to smoke. when i smoke i make sure they dont mind or at least i dont smoke next to them, situation permits. if i smoke next to them, i dont blow my smoke over them.

is it because my education level stopped at poly, while the rest of my friends have progressed onto University? although i'm pretty sure what they teach in University is pretty much the same routine as in poly, i dont see why anyone armed with a degree has to be smarter and more capable than anyone with a so-called lower education level.

so with all these, am i 坏人？讲实话，好认真地很难当。但做坏人，也不是说很好。。。。。

what to do...

2006-04-14T20:25:00.000+08:00

the change of language is purely because i really feel like speaking my mind about what happened, no gloss, no makeup, no fanciful english, just pure, unadulterated, uncensored me.

fucking sian. thought today would be a bad day. turn out quite ok, luckily for the rain in the afternoon, otherwise confirm tonight fucking insomnia again. then again, the rain lasted so long, the bed was so comfortable, i ended up sleeping through lunch time all the way to dinner. even though i've just had dinner, now still hungry like fuck.

checked my email inbox in regards to a meeting up session with a friend involving a business prospect and an application for a job. i thought that since today was a public holiday, confirm no reply one, at most maybe the friend will send an email. but there they were, 2 separate emails from the friend and the company.

firstly, the email from the friend was more or less what was expected from our discussions. what he was offering is really tempting for me, and i do have quite a huge amount of interest in the industry. its not some five-minute-fad, not an impulse-heat-of-a-moment thing. but what made me apprehensive was the fact that i have basically no, zilch, nada, kosong experience of being in marketing/sales/etc. while i was pretty sure i could survive, or even make it, somehow, i feel that jumping straight in without any one to help is akin to bungee jumping without the bungee rope. not to mention that there's a huge amount of money(relative to me) going to be involved.

secondly, the job ad reply from the company was the guy wanted to see my graphic design portfolio. major crap. all my graphic designs were those unofficial sketches which were turned out. other then that, i dont really have an acceptable graphic design portfolio. but i wasnt really interested in that job position either.

what i die-die want the position is the illustrator one. fucking sianz. applied 3times 3times kena reject. fucking cheebye. first time interview went ok. heard from my friend, (although after much pestering him), working at the place that the boss said my portfolio impressive, but too bad i lack experience. i'm like, what the fuck, nabei puacheebye, kanninah!! thats a pretty fucking lame excuse to me. wah liew, i say. put so much hard work into the inteview, everything went smoothly, thank you letter type nice nice, correspondence going well, end up fucking "not enough experience". people say what sianz ½, aku sianz ½ oso dont have. kanninah, hear the stupid experience excuse, limbei sianz until want to sleep oso cannot sleep. super sianz. now its like almost a month since i last applied, the company still havent filled up the position, now even put up ads in other websites, still no luck. i thought why not try second time, or 3rd time. doesnt hurt to try right? fucking cheebye. the email i sent out even goes like 3/4 of the email is about my interest in the illustrator position. pua cheebye, the reply email didnt even touch on that, machiam like i never apply for the position liddat. bang balls man.

so fucking sianz, today. whole world machiam screwed up for me. what do you do when you finally found your dream job, yet your dream job rejects you, not because your abilities cannot make it, but because you kena shoot down by experience. fuck sia. i didnt even go onto what fucking experience they want. think should be 1st company in Singapore going to start a trading card game machiam "Magic" liddat. fuck what experience they want? i'm sure there's no one who is local, holding a fucking diploma, served finished NS and is between 20-30yrs of age that got experience in this field one lor. fucking tui, i can say. feeling after hearing the sorry sod's excuse worse than bang balls. whole world shattered the 感觉.

so now, i'm in a dilemna. the company's offering me a chance to view my graphic design portfolio, while my friend is offering me a chance to start up own business. one is risk free, other is must take (calculated)risks. i think i can pom and hantum out a decent portfolio, yet i'm pretty sure the "experience" excuse will be thrown back at me. at the same time, i'm really stuck between interested and apprehensive about my friend's offer. fuck sia. now this type of decision how to make. aku tak boleh tahan liao sia.

speaking text

2006-04-14T09:43:00.000+08:00

ever had that experience of being so tired and want to sleep, but there's a million thoughts going through your mind, ending up you cant even sleep?

thats how screwed up this day is beginning to turn out for me. what a screw up.

anyways, not a lot of my friends know about this blog, i dont see any point in letting them know. this place is for me to vent my personel frustrations, release some steam, or just act as a shithole for all my personal demons. there are a few friends who know about it, but those are somewhat close friends.(happy anot, shihao! close friends lei!!)

but my language here is vastly different to what i speak in real life. if anyone reading this comes across me in real life and speaks to me, the person would be in for a shock. my speech is not that articulate and well mannered. i speak in a mish mash of english, chinese, hokkien, and add a dash of melayu, garnished with a generous dose of vulgarities. its not that i'm uncouth, lowly educated or whatever reasons there are, but its just simply who i choose to be. if i write as i speak in real life, it'll go something like this:

sai bin la, not say aku want to act tuff or wad, but 我就是 this pattern one wad. kanninah, kong wei kong zhe gei pattern oso kena labelled ah beng, worse tio people say i paikia, what the fuck? awak jiak bah boh sai pang issit, anyhow critise or label people just by the way they speak? liddat if i speak cheem cheem ang moh, den wad, people say i jiak kan tang ang moh pai one? kong ang moh oso cannot, kong hokkien lagi jialat, i think best is mai kong simi lanjiao wei at all.

big big difference eh?

wad lead? wad follow?

2006-04-14T07:14:00.000+08:00

damn, on a day where everyone gets to sleep and wake up late, i wake up early. with a runny blocked nose to boot too. if only i was this lucky every other time i bet on football matches.

havent been updating, because i'm busy reading other blogs. there's a few funny ones, and there's some serious ones. but the hot topic these days seems to be regarding the upcoming elections and the recent bimbo, i mean beauty, paegent. i'm not gonna give my 2 cents on the election issue, because i've already said what i wanted to say in a previous post, and these 1 & 2 post by Rockson pretty much sums it up.

there was this comment by a certain mr anonymous on one of his posts, that goes like this, (cue ctrl+c and ctrl+v)

"I think you are a loser. You so good, why not stand up and join the opposition party. Write crap here just to whine like some loser dog...or togain attention from people. But u win. U gained my attention and i read what u have written. If dun have those old man behind the party, u think other countries will give a damn shit abt spore. If u say how come normal infantrymen or nco cant be mps...then why in the first place they arent generals. They just dont have the abilities to lead. Thats why they are men. Everyone plays a part...im not saying being a men in the army means you are shit. It just means you dont have the ability to be a leader. So if you cant lead, then be a follower."

the rest of the comment was just personel attacks on rockson. firstly, the guy obviously never read the whole of rockson's post, or got past his flowery language. secondly, he is obviously some rich man's son, or must have been an officer during his NS, if he served liao. but i dont think he's served his NS yet, judging by his naive-ness. its damn funny how many people equate your NS rank as to your capabilities.i bet the guy obviously thinks being an officer is big fuck. yeah right. BIG FUCKing deal. i've seen officers who cant lead his 99yr old senile grandmother for god's sake. so the guy's saying if you're not an officer in the army, you cant lead people. that theory is as solid as piece of tissue paper.

let me see, was the guy who's the head hongcho of Creative Tech an officer? was the guy who started Austen U an officer? i think the Mr Anonymous needs to take off his ruby-tinted glasses and take a good look around. just because you're an officer doesnt mean you have the ability to lead people. i should know, i've been there. i've seen men who can lead people better than their officers. and the guy needs to get his facts straight. you go in the army and you can wayang your way through out BMT to get into OCS. once there, its just a matter of how tough you can take the training, leadership training not provided. you wayang enough, can tong enough punishments, tadah! there comes your black chocolate bar on your shoulders and you can slack off for the rest of your service term. people choose not to be officer because 1) they know its all just wayang shit, 2) they know they can rather spend their 2years slacking throughout, 3) they know no one outside of the service gives a damn about what rank they were in the army. its a pretty clear cut choice to me, 1) serve your 2years peacefully, no need to cheong sua, can anytime play MC, everyday enjoy aircon office and when boss not looking, chat online with kakhis or girls or surf web, or 2)wayang and/or sweat and bleed and no one gives a damn about you for 1year and get your bar, then wayang and/or sweat and bleed for the rest of your term and still no one gives a damn about you.

something short

2006-04-08T23:05:00.000+08:00

i think the best thing a man can do to another, is to take away the other's pride.

66.6FM your favourite beng station

2006-04-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

taking things a little further, with too much time on my hands.

cue intro music...

and welcome to 66.6FM, the dun-give-a-fuck-station, where i play all the songs i like, and if you dont like them, you can siam ji ki, kiss my ass and fuck off.

first up, we have a caller on the line, and who might this be?

caller: erh....

eh kin la, lim bei dont have one whole day just for u to say your name hor. ai kong wei eh kin tampoh lah, ni nawhia eh chao gin nah.

and the line goes dead.

oh....kay.... apparently our first caller is a bit shy and hasnt paid his phone bill for quite some time. nevermind, here's this song going out for all you KTV cheongsters.

cue hokkien/cantonese song....and 4minutes later, after the song....

and that was Last Dance by Wubai. and now onto the hot topic nowadays, election time.i'm gonna open up the phone lines for you all to call in and voice your views over this hot topic. and our first caller on the line...

caller 1: i think arh, the gahmen so power liao, opposition confirm chopped signed no chance one lah, this time confirm PNP win election one.

wah liew, your lao bei lao bu no money send you to skool issit, tok oso cannot tok proper enggrish, nabei cheebye, wanna copy me oso copy no style.

caller 1: wad sia, lim bei ani kong wei si ze gei eh pattern wad, wad scold my lao pei lao bu..

naw hia, let you call in voice view not let you lecture lim bei hor. ni nabei, gah wo kao pei kao bu simi, next!

have issues, will draw

2006-04-01T20:24:00.000+08:00

a friend quoted recently, "am i the only artist who doesnt have issues with the world?"

it would seem so, yes, mostly. at least as far as i know. it does seem so wonderful, being able to conjure up wonderful images with casual movements of the wrist and not have a single care in the world. yes, it does sound wonderful, but sadly, it would appear that i would never arrive at such a stage. perhaps he just decides to close an eye over the issues, choosing not to think about them, afterall, he has a happy life going for him, why should he be bothered with issues?

went out yesterday with my brudders, and was talking about cars, which soon diverted into car talk shows, and ended up with radio shows.

SQ: you know, you should go start a radio show man, all those shows now with their wannabe ang moh accents, act-tuff bravado, and chirpy happy attitudes. you could start a new trend man.

me: huh? what talking you?

SQ: you know, all those pussy DJs who wanna act tough, act ang moh, act happy. i mean, look at fucking G**n* O**, fucker wants to act tough get tattoos, or that whats-his-name, wad O*g, with his ang moh faker accent. all those are posers man, you, you're the real stuff. radio show with attitude man. you'll be like the-whole-world's-fucked-up attitude guy who goes on air with those hokkien curses and "ai-ting-mai-ting, zhe gei song hor le play liao".

and this point, the 3 of us proceed to laugh.

JH: i dont think he'll get past the censorship boards. i think his whole show is gonna be filled beeps.

me: i dont think i'll even last 1 day on the job. they'd be like putting this on their website, "Med**c*rp radio has announced due to certain issues, so-and-so has hereby been suspended from the air" or something liddat.

SQ: then you can like after suspension go, "because my producers dont want to hear me swear in english, so i shall not swear in english. lanjiao nabei cheebye censorship boards. there, ladies and gentlemen, i state that i did not swear in english. i mean you dont even give a fuck right? you got that world-against-you and dont-take-no-shit attitude with you wad. i swear if you start that show, its gonna be the biggest hit.

JH: yeah and SQ's gonna be your number 1 fan.

me: yeah, big hit and one day later, pulled off air.

cue more laughter.